Thread: Dropping like flies

Please just indulge me for a sec.

A few weeks ago we were informed my mum had only about two months to live as she has quite severe lung cancer. I tried to call my little brother to tell him but noone answered. Saturday morning my brothers ex mother in law rang me to tell me that my brother had passed away. I couldn't get any information from the coroners office until this morning and found out he died on January 30th.

I tried to call my brother Christmas day but it just rang and rang every time i tried. I found out later i had his old number. He moved around alot. I tried the new number when i tried to call him about mum only noone answered!! That elicited comments from me such as 'im glad he didnt answer because its too hard to tell him about mum'.

Toxicology, histology reports arent back yet but the provisional report reckons methadone.

Mum is in Sydney. I went there last week so she could see my kids. Im trying to get back there this weekend so my brother and i can tell her about my little brother.

Now its just my brother, my mum and me (and kids). For now.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to spew it all out and SM won the toss.

Mate, that's gutting.
my sincere condolences.
Were you close to your brother? Did you know of his situation methadone wise?

How did his ex-mother in law know before his mother?

im so sorry to hear rusha. Take care of yourself

Thanks guys.

Bt, i was really close to my brother but over the past few years we didn't see that much of each other. As kids it was always him and i against the world.
I did know about the methadone situation. D (the ex mil) is a lovely woman and was like a second mum to my brother. He didn't have any details on him so it just had to travel down the grapevine so none of us were told in any official capacity. I rang the coroners office today to make contact and get information and to fill them in what they needed.

Sincere condolences to you and your family Rusha.
My thoughts are with you at this most trying of times.

Rusha - my condolences to you. Very sorry to hear.

Can i ask, did it take much contemplating on wheather to tell your mum about her son/your brother?
It's a tough situation as she herself has not too long either.

Do you let a mother know her son has died at this time in her life?
I'm wondering if you would be doing her a favour not adding this on her mind?

What a situation you are in.
Very sorry and hope i didn't somehow offend with my thoughts.

Really sorry to hear about this Rusha. Sometimes, I am just lost for words.

Originally Posted by ProteinDirect

Really sorry to hear about this Rusha. Sometimes, I am just lost for words.

Ok this is a first ;).

MO, i am rarely offended by questions if they are asked respectfully and out of true interest/curiosity and not out of mischief so feel free. Its actually a great question and one that could be a good discussion on here. If anyone else has input/ideas about MO's question please feel free to post.

Can i ask, did it take much contemplating on wheather to tell your mum about her son/your brother?
It's a tough situation as she herself has not too long either.

Do you let a mother know her son has died at this time in her life?
I'm wondering if you would be doing her a favour not adding this on her mind?

It has taken lots of soul searching to decide about mum. Ive talked to people here in adelaide and my other brother rang the nursing home where my mum resides. I think all but one person has said she should be told. My own opinion goes both ways. A huge part of me wants to NOT tell her. However, Mum is constantly wondering about him. Every time i talk to mum she asks 'have you heard from B?' or 'Do you think B is ok?' Do i lie to her and just say yes? Im not sure i can do that and theres a part of me that thinks telling her will give her some closure. My brother dying is a huge shock to me but not a surprise and i reckon will be same for mum.

So yes, im in two minds over it. I spoke with the social workers at the coroners court about it too. Legally she is his next of kin but they understood the situation so I'll be getting all the pathology on him. It wont be pretty and mum doesnt need to know any of that (in my opinion). As a mother myself I think I would want to know regardless.

What do you think MO (and anyone else)?

I think it is a decision only you can make Rusha because you know your mother better than any of us do and you know what type of person she is and what state she is in. By that I mean you know whether she can be strong and understanding or whether she may be consumed even more by this sad news. Sometimes, knowing is better than wondering but I still believe whatever decision you make it will be the right one. If you do decide to tell her just make sure she knows you are looking after the funeral because sometimes with the pain associated also comes the additional pain of organising the practical aspect which is the funeral itself.

I apologise in advance if any advice I gave may cause you further pain, this is not my intention but sometimes even the best intentions can be misinterpreted.

Thats pretty much what i think too Julian and yes, I put my name down as the advocate for the funeral because doing that would be just too much for her.
No apology necessary Julian

Yeah, it's something that we can only give our opinion on a decision we would make for our OWN mothers - not yours.
We don't know her personality and how she would take something like this, just as PD mentions.
How she will react to this, how much she really loved him and what spirits she is currently in.

You mention the word "lie", Rusha. I don't see it like that at all.
"Lieing", in this case, is done out of love and protecting her from pain. I'm here posting this putting myself in your situation only with MY OWN mother. I don't think i could pass on that message to her in her final days on Earth. What a way to finish your life. I'd want to see her go with happiness around her. What you are doing coming down to Sydney more often and bringing your children with you is fantastic for her. The sight of you and your children will no doubt give her accomplishment on this Earth - ie; "look at what i've created from a single daughter alone."

Again, i hope i havn't confused your decision, but remembering i am only putting myself in your situation with my own mother.
You would know best knowing your own your whole life and the best decision may be the one that is the total opposite of what i would do to my mother.

Have you heard those stories about how the death of someone you "shared a soul with" soon afterwards kills you too?
A loved one would die one day and the very next, a widow of only one day will die also.
This news may speed up her lung cancer situation up a little quicker?

Tough times.
You'll make the right decision.

So sorry to hear Rusha :(

I am so sorry to hear this Rusha. I wish you all the best i dealing with this very tough time in your life

Yeah i do get what you mean MO.
Mum has been anticipating for this news for a long time as he's lived rough for quite a while. IF it was a different situation where it was completely out of the blue then this would be an even harder decision to make (one ive had to make with an older sibling). Its shit no matter which way we decide.

You will figure out what is right Rusha.

Wish you the best buddy.