Thread: joke time again

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare coverage.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.
'Do you eat Rump steaks and sausages?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things'.He looked at me and said,
'Then why do you give a shit?

Good one.

hahaha both good ones.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some > coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that

you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

two dwarfs mates went out to a night club together try and pick up some chicks..

after a while they both found a nice chick each and to them back to their place.

the first dwarf couldnt get it up.. just couldnt they tryed and tryed but to no avail.. he was shattered!

to make matters worse all he heard that night was "here i cum...1.2.3 ahhh"......"here i cum...1.2.3 ahhh" coming from the room next door.

when morning came the 2 dwarfs woke and made coffee the first dwarf said to the other " man how embarrassing i couldn't get it up!" the second dwarf turned to him and said " you think thats bad i couldn't even get on the bed"!

LOL. Now i have to explain why I cracked up laughing at work. The stuff im doing right now is just NOT funny.
Thanks for the laugh

they're all great! thanks everyone

Rusha i'm laughing hard as well, except I'm in the office by myself and my office is like a fish bowl has huge glass windows all round. So all the people walking passed are looking at me quite weird!

To continue the Dwarf theme.......


The seven dwarves get to meet the pope one day and ask;

"your holiness are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"

to which the pope replies

"no my sons there are not"

they giggle and continue....

"are there any dwarf nuns in America?"

"no my sons there are not"

The laughter gets louder and they ask again..

"Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

"no my sons there are not"

By this time the dwarves are rolling around on the floor laughing and screaming....


"Grumpy slept with a penguin!! Grumpy slept with a penguin!!!!"

A guy stumbles out of a bar after a long night drinking and spots a nun on the other side of the road,

He runs over and starts throwing punches wildly, kicking and pushing her up against a wall,

Finally he stops, backs away and says....


"Not so tough now are ya batman!!"

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the
foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete dick.

Take2, that one is really funny! Keep them coming... .

Just quickly then..........



Do you want to buy a 42 inch LCD Television for $50.00 ?
The volume button don't work, but for that price you can't turn it down...

This isn't a joke and hoping it doesn't offend but I can't help but giggle at the tshirts people are wearing for the popes visit.

'ive been touched by the pope downunder'.

And T2 that last one was so bad it was funny.

My daugther told me a really funny joke about priests but I decided against posting it for fear of insulting someone.

See, I do my bit to maintain integrity of this forum .