No sex ????

[Pro H]

Hello SMFM,

Im posting here cause i would really appreciate a female perspective. This is very hard for me as i havent really talked about it. But i dont know what to do i really dont.

My situation we are engaged have been for about 4 months now i even bought her a puppy and it was a beautiful engagement treated her like a princess but thats another story.

Anyway about 8 months ago her father was involved in a very bad accident he was in ICU for 2 months they thought he may never wake up, he did but dosent remember who she is or any of his family. He cant walk due to injuries sustained from the accident and is in a nursing home. She blames herself cause she was at mine that morning when it happen.

Through all of this i have surported her been by her side explained things when they didnt understand what the doctors were telling them (i have a medical back ground) slept at her mums on the lounge just to help them sleep cause they felt more relaxed knowing there was a male figure in the house( worst lounge ever by the way) got her help cause her back was getting really bad she holds alot of tension there to the point where i had to take her to hospital. I organised physios for her not just ur one down the road but olympic docs and physios. There was nothing i wouldnt do for her if i thought it might help. Even now she is seeing a therapist to help deal with ALOT. It seems they are uncovering alot more stress and unhappiness from her early years which i dont want to talk about. But all this is helping her back too.

My problem is im trying to help her there is nothing i wouldnt do for her but she keeps pushing me away??? We dont talk anymore and if we do it usually turns into a fight then she will bring something up like "how would you feel if your father didnt know who u were"?

But the best was "I only said yes to your proposal so i could get married b4 my father died" I think this is when she really hurt me.

We dont have sex anymore! it was the best b4 the accident, unbelievable it was one of the reasons i fell in love with her it was that great.

But now if i try i keep getting rejected or its tomorrow or later or not now. But it never happens and the arguements we have over it??? i just cant undersatand she actually tells me she dosent want to have sex with me ??? she dosent want it any more?? This isnt the girl i fell in love with and i just cant take getting rejected any more its to a point now where i know if i try im going to get rejected so i dont bother any more then i get so angry at her and i just want to start an arguement so i can express how i feel.

You see she has started to use sex against me i ll explain these are her rules,
if i talk about us not having sex she will say well your not going to get any now!
I am not allowed to try and have sex with her! I have to wait for her to want it???
If we are laying in bed and i start to talk about it she threatens to leave!

theres more but you get the idea.

I just dont know what to do ? Am i being selfish wanting to have a normal sexual relation with my fiance? will this pass and things go back to normal??
any advise would be appreciated

thanks

[brisgym]

Hi Pro H... From my male perspective anyhow---- the issues are more serious than no sex.

Sorry to say mate but this is not going to work... walk away now.

[nthsidebris30]

I agree with Brisgym!!

Por H - I have been in a very similar relationship where, now my ex, basically had a nervous breakdown and followed by bad depression. No matter what I did or how hard I tried nothing was good enough.

With problems like these in a relationship, especially where it seems to be affecting your emotional state, you have to start looking after yourself otherwise you yourself can take on the same emotions.

Mate you have to let go and walk away, I know it's hard but in the long run it's better for everyone.

[Pro H]

I have been seriously thinking of leaving cause im just not happy and you are right i use to be so positve and full of life but with everything she is going through its draining me im not sleeping im starting to hate her for this.

All her issues with her family her job her back lack of sex drive sorry NO sex drive its killing me.

But walking out on her in this time of need when she needs surpport i dont know if i could. I also dont know how much more i can take.

This is a women i wanted to marry?? we are suppose to be buying a house b4 june soon there is so much going on but we havent got the little things right.

[nthsidebris30]

Honestly you've probably heard all this either from yourself or others mate but it's better to leave before getting married then after!!

IT's not your fault she is the way she is!! Put the sex aside and answer this can you see yourself being with her knowing that everyday you wake up you are unsure as to what mood or emotion you're going to have to go through with her today??

Also honestly can you say anymore that you see yourself growing old with her anymore?

Be honest to yourself first and then you'll know what you're doing is the right thing!!

[Raptor]

I know your chasing a female persepective, but from another male perspective I sorry to say I have to agree with brisgym and nthsidebris30.

The comment about marrying before her father died to me says alot about her. People say things in the heat of the moment that they regret, but if this is serial offending then you can expect that for the rest of your married days.

Shit happens in life, so there will always be trials and testing of your relationship over the years, which whilst straining can actually lead to a stronger relationship. But brother, if you are having second thoughts now to the extend you are describing, then for me its time to make the hard call and walk away.

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament ProH. All the best with whichever folk in the road you chose to take.

[Tamlyn]

Hey Pro H,

Sounds like a tough situation. When a crisis happens to someone - such as what happened to your gf - i imagine sex is the last thing most people think of wanting to partake in. She's obviously going through a really tough time, as I'm sure you are. I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting a normal sexual relationship with her however from what you've said it sounds like she's not ready for that. It sounds pretty harsh of her to use sex as a bargaining chip against you. Perhaps you need to take a break from the relationship? not completely walk away but tell her how you feel and that you do want to be with her in the long run but it's not working at the moment. Give her the opportunity and time to sort out her feelings - sometimes it is easier to do this without the other half there - and hopefully she'll realise what she's missing. Surely a break from all the arguing has gotta be a good thing? anyway that's my 5 cents worth, hope it works out for you!
Tam

[Pro H]

I tried to give her some space i thought that would really help i went up to sydney for a week with my family but it wasnt what she wanted. her response was i dont see you ever why would you think leaving me would help fix things!

i work security so do alot of nights. which is why i bought her a puppy to love and protect her when im not there, she actually talks to the dog more then me atm???

I guess i have alot to think about i love her there is no question about that but wether or not i can continue to let myself be treated like this i just dont know. Maybe im holding onto that hope that things will return to what they once were will never be.

How can you sit down and talk things out with someone who dosent want to hear it?

[nthsidebris30]

Have you suggested going together to a relationship councellor?

[chris1983]

Yet another male opinion, if you weren't married i'd say walk away right now. However, being married shows there is SOME decent committment from both parties. Give it some time to heal, just be there for her, set yourself a time to sit down and reflect again on if things have improved.

If not, then move on???

[Pro H]

I think that in on the agenda with the person she is seeing atm. wont be long till im in there next to her. I dont have a problem with that i have told her i would go with her but currently they are concentrating on other things in her life it seems the health of our relationship isnt a major concern ????

[benny2]

I appreciate your honesty in ur post mate. I think sex is an issue in a lot of relationships/marriages..... but not something that gets talked about as much.

Quite often people encounter this problem after child birth too.....

I think its a complicated situation mate. I don't believe there are any real rules to be followed in relationships, its just a question of are both parties happy and satisfied with it???? in your case it doesn't sound like either of you are happy with how things are....

I definitely don't think the relationship is doomed mate, and I wouldn't be walking away just yet. A lack of interest in sex, especially for women, tends to be an indicator of other underlying issues.... obviously one of those is her father, but my guess is theres probably more going on than just that.

To sum up, mate you deserve to be happy, and to be in a relationship that fulfills your needs, however its also important to realize theres going to be periods in any relationship/ marriage where that doesn't happen....

I would suggest finding out if the therapist she's seeing does couples counselling, or if he/she knows of a good couples therapist. If you can work thru some of these issues now, your going to be in a good place to start your married life together...

[Raptor]

Ok, I know this goes against the grain for some, but having the need to consider going to a relationship therapist 4 months into being engaged would be like a neon light to me flashing "Danger Will Robinson".

As a compromise, what about having some time out away (separte) from one another. Then come back together after the alloted time ( 2 months) and see what the vibe is like between the two of you then ??

[benny2]

Ok, I know this goes against the grain for some, but having the need to consider going to a relationship therapist 4 months into being engaged would be like a neon light to me flashing "Danger Will Robinson".

As a compromise, what about having some time out away (separte) from one another. Then come back together after the alloted time ( 2 months) and see what the vibe is like between the two of you then ??

I know what ur saying, but if you ask me its smart. People go into marriage with their fuckn head in the clouds. In fact I think it should mandatory to get some preparation and tools for marriage....

[Pro H]

Its all excellent advice and it good to read views from other people.
I have thought about couples therapy ive even thought about seeing a sex therapist cause for a while i thought there was something wrong with me, as in im always wanting it.

But then i sat down and looked at our relationship and wrote down what i do for her what she expects and i full filled everything, then i wrote down what i expected and my list was alot shorter then hers ALOT, and the 1 thing that ment the most to me she wouldnt deliever. And i guess to me it shows im more commited to her.

Is it to much to ask (and i will be very honest here as we are an online community and we should help each other) if she dosent want to have sex then do something else to keep her man happy??? Now i know how that sounds but if i was in her situation i would for her and i have thought about that alot.

Even when i have brought this up with her about doing other things if she dosent want to have sex she just tells me to go somewhere else and stop bothering her about it ????
sometimes i think she wants me to that way it would be easier to leave the relationship