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Pro, I wish you both well. Get professional help for both of you.
Underneath all of this is one simple question for me: "Do you TRULY love her?" When you answer that question totally, and completely honestly, then you'll know what you should do.
Pro, I wish you both well. Get professional help for both of you.
Underneath all of this is one simple question for me: "Do you TRULY love her?" When you answer that question totally, and completely honestly, then you'll know what you should do.
Oh i agree completely based on what you just posted T2. Which is why i have said twice now that we can only see what hes posted here. We aren't experts and our opinions are just that and just based on the few words.
Raaqi in an ideal world couples should be able to talk to their partners about anything and everything but its not always like that. People deal with trauma in different ways and sometimes they CAN'T talk about things.
I agree that sex is about intimacy and closeness but when the sex itself becomes a chore and something that one person has to nag for then theres a problem. This thread was titled 'no sex'.
Also women won't necessarily say 'be with her during her time of need'. Three women have posted and none of us have said for Pro to just stay regardless.
Shes not coming from a rational place at the moment but only you (Pro) can work out what he should do for the best. And I agree with Raaqi that 'for the best' doesn't mean sacrificing your life. Stay if you want/need. Leave if you want/need.
Anyway mate, all ive posted is really just 'food for thought'. Points to consider and that kind of thing.
T2, just a question mate. Unless he has been very biased in what he has written, does it matter if he truly loves her? Only asking because i spent 4 years trying to make a girl - that i did truly love - happy, even though she was physically violent, tried to mind-fcuk etc. I finally gave up, and shes doing it to the new bf too...Originally Posted by take2
IMO, yes it does. If he truly loves her he will work with her to try to sort out the problems they/she has. It's not about trying to make her love him, because if she doesn't, and at this stage what I'm reading about she has said/done is coming from a woman who has undergone enormous mental trauma, so who knows what she actually thinks deep down, underneath the trauma. Until she sorts herself out, Pro won't truly know what she feels. My point is that if he thinks she's worth perservering with, BECAUSE he truly loves her, then he will. BUT, if after seeking professional intervention and it's clear that they are not going to survive as a relationship, then he will also know what to do.
I hope that makes sense. I find threads like this, in forums like this, very troubling.
Hold the fucking phone a second......
How many say nothing? Countless. My point was, is HERE a good place to do it? In my opinion, absolutely not, mainly because of some of the early "advice" he was given.
How the fuck can you say he truly loves her? None of us know that, only HIM. And I wasn't saying he didn't, and I didn't ask him if he does, I simply made the point that IF he truly does, then he has an answer, in part, to his problems.
Newsflash: plenty of people marry for reasons other than love, they simply don't appreciate it at the time. Of course, the supposition is that marriage is based on love, but not always.
Pro, a few years back I went through an enormous trauma (well to me at least). I shut everyone out including my partner, family and friends. It was nothing they said or did I just wanted to be left alone. Looking back I know what I did was my way of coping and I regret hurting those around me. All I can suggest is if you truly love her and feel deep in your heart you want to spend the rest of your life with her then give her time and definitely seek couple counselling. Best of luck, you sound like a diamond!
ok, ok, sorry mate, I got a little fired up, without a valid reason. I guess its an issue close to my own heart, I know you've had personal experience that allows you to comment...
So true. I think i can safely say Pro is aware that everyone has different opinions, and that's why he's posting here... maybe not so much to get someone to TELL HIM WHAT TO DO.... but maybe just to vent, get other's opinions etc.
People are going to give opinions based on what Pro says, not necessarily on what the situation REALLY is.... you can't really sum up a situation like this in words... so i dont think there's a danger of someone giving BAD advice... I'm pretty sure he knows what to expect here.
Sorry that was a bit of a generalisation on my part, the women I know would say that ;-) maybe not rational free thinking women ahhaa.
I agree with your points though, i was just referring to women in general, not those going through greif. It's safe to say couples should be able to talk about anything, and no topic should be taboo.
When sex becomes a chore, just go elsewhere... how can they complain? Someone is doing their work for them and keeping their man happy. hahaha. ;-)
I don't understand why the professional she is seeing has not asked to speak to you yet?
I have had counselling with the Cancer Fund, ok, different type of counselling, but she did ask to speak to my husband (significant other) about me. First she wanted to talk to him on his own to find out things about me, then she wanted to speak to us together.
I would perhaps suggest her counsellor has asked to speak with you and she has not told you about it? Is that a possibility? Yes, she has issues to deal with from her father, but you are her fiance? Something doesn't add up here.
You can go to counselling on your own for a start. It may help you, especially if after you weigh everything up, you decide to leave. I'm not suggesting any which way to go, only you can work it out. But if you do go, you will need to do so without guilt, and know that you gave it everything that you could, that you tried to make it work. Sometimes you can only try so hard, but at least seeing a counsellor will let you have some piece of mind.
Good luck. 26 and 28 is young, but not that young that she should be playing mind and sex games with you. Yes, she has been through a devastating time, but life is like that, and it will most likely get worse before it gets better. So perhaps see your GP for a referral to the appropriate person to speak further about this.
bro has she had any outside help or counciling??
Hey Pro H, I'm sorry to say it all sounds bad to me at the moment. Whenever a relationship starts to impact and change you as a person in a negative way, the relationship is close to being over, at least in its current form. I've yet to see one survive without drastic changes. Everyone goes through hard times, but in a good relationship, those things will build you as a person and, in turn, build your relationship. You will be there for each other and gain strength from each other rather than bring each other down. It stretches you.
When this does not happen, you are no longer in a true 'partnership' and one is just emotionally draining the other. To me, it sounds like she does not have the courage, for whatever reason, to break it off, so it may be up to you and may be the hardest thing you've ever done. Dont forget, it doesn't need to be forever. We often think a breakup is the end, but i've seen many relationships breakup (even marriages) and, with the time separate to think alone, have come together stronger than ever. Sometimes you just crush each other without knowing it.
In life, there's no easy or right answers. It's so complex, but we often try to simplify it. It may just not be the right time for you and her. There are a hundred variations of what could happen. But whatever you do, do it for you both and do it with an open heart, and you may be surprised with what develops. But destroying yourself by staying in a destructive relationship is not the answer.
Strength to you mate.
Mandy the counsellor wouldn't necessarily talk to the partner in this case. Im totally assuming but i dont think shes doing relationships counselling. IF she were to say it was having a huge impact on her relationship then she might.
When my daughters dad was seeking professional help after his cancer and subsequent lymphodema I ended up going in with him a couple of times. But that was something that came from him ya know.
Thanks for all the advice and support guys n girls. Its comforting to know others have gone through similar situations and come out stronger and others have ended but taken another path.
Yes the heading of this thread read NO SEX but as you all discovered it was much more, i think that was me just venting and yes i will probably continue to vent as i find this is really helping :)
For everyones information yes i truely love this young intelligent beautiful women thats why i asked for her hand in marriage. And i believe she truely loves me as she wiped her tears and nose and accepted my proposal.
I think talking to a councilor would be good but expensive so for the time being i feel comfortable reading other opinions and experiences and coming to my own conclusion.
Thanks again for listening to my vent session
Pro, try Relationships Australia. It's a means tested service. I spent quite some time with them after my split, but obviously their forte is before the split happens. :)
Best of luck to you.
T2
Pro go back to where i said that people commonly lash out at those they are closest too. Take some comfort in that and work through it all.
Do you have uniting care wesley in your area? They are unreal. Church group but not all churchy. Their fees are based on what you can afford.
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