No sex ????

[benny2]

Its all excellent advice and it good to read views from other people.
I have thought about couples therapy ive even thought about seeing a sex therapist cause for a while i thought there was something wrong with me, as in im always wanting it.

But then i sat down and looked at our relationship and wrote down what i do for her what she expects and i full filled everything, then i wrote down what i expected and my list was alot shorter then hers ALOT, and the 1 thing that ment the most to me she wouldnt deliever. And i guess to me it shows im more commited to her.

Is it to much to ask (and i will be very honest here as we are an online community and we should help each other) if she dosent want to have sex then do something else to keep her man happy??? Now i know how that sounds but if i was in her situation i would for her and i have thought about that alot.

Even when i have brought this up with her about doing other things if she dosent want to have sex she just tells me to go somewhere else and stop bothering her about it ????
sometimes i think she wants me to that way it would be easier to leave the relationship

I hear ya mate, and I don't think ur out of line. I guess the goal is to find a way forward where ur both are getting what you want at least some of the time, you know what I mean??? I guess another word for it is 'compromise' lol.

From what your saying, thats just not happening, and whats worse is she won't even talk to you about it.... I really think you both need to sit down with a third party, who isn't involved and talk it thru, sooner rather than later....

otherwise you know whats gonna happen.... the relationship will end.

[BlackSpider]

When I first read this, I thought you were already married, so would have to work your way throught this stressfull and painfull situation.
Then I realised that you're engaged, not married yet.

If she gets over the current problem, how do you know the same thing won't happen again in future with another problem.
Behavioural patterns in mature adults aren't easilly changed.
No offense to your fiance, but some people are very emotionally unstable, can you handle that for the rest of your life?

If it was me, I would
GTFO, nao.....

[Rusha]

Aww mate. Hard times for you all. And fuck, I dont know where to start.

Ok the issue here isn't just sex. Men often (i said often, not always. noone try and kill me) mix the idea of sex with intimacy. Best advice I give to blokes who aren't getting any sex is to take the pressure out of the situation. Make it so its not about sex and just about being with her. ie, go to a movie/dinner, give her a massage etc etc but all along tell her the night isnt about sex. And don't make it be about sex. BUT, i think theres more to it in this situation so forget about the sex just for now.

Like the others its total speculation based on what we read in one post but here goes.

1. She could be just lashing out. We often lash out at the person we trust the most and are closest to in times like this. Doesn't make it right. But its often why.

2. She is dealing with stuff from her early years you say? Could be that shes completely overwhelmed with what has happened to her father, her past issues that have come to a head again.

3. Could be that she just does not have any more emotional energy for you. Not ideal but in some cases understandable.

4. no offense but if shes dealing with her father and her past issues its perfectly natural and normal that she woudlnt want to have sex. Probably last thing on her mind.

5. back to my first point now. Generalising here. Men are physical creatures. They can often just have sex, get their rocks off and be done. Women often need to feel as though they need intimacy, feel turned on and desirable (different to feeling desired). THEN they can get down and get dirty.

6. IF she totally doesn't feel like sex and feels that you are just after sex etc etc, she might try and push you away. Women who have just had babies will often avoid being near their husbands or avoid showing him too much skin in case they want sex. NO, I didnt have the need to do this (before im accused of it) but i know many in this situation.

[soriminah]

Righto, from my womanly perspective, I know that sex is important to a man not only physically but also emotionally. Does she reject you if you just try to cuddle her? or other non-sexual touches? If she does than this indicates a major problem. Not wanting to be touched at all is way worse than lack of libido as women connect emotionally to be sexual and men are sexual to connect emotionally.

I can't stress enough that you wouldn't be walking out in her time of need. You have been there since it happened so it's not like you have abandoned her. So don't feel guilty about that fact.

There's only so much rejection that one person can take. Have you hit your limit yet? Is it severly affecting your personality? Are you unhappy more often than happy?

If so than it could be time to walk away until she sorts herself out but be prepared for the fact that you may never get back together.

Her issues are obviously a lot bigger than your relationship can handle if she is pushing you away instead of relying on your help.

Pro, you really need to be commended for what you have done for her. Not many men would stick in there like you have. You have done a fantastic job and as I said, you don't have anything to feel guitly for.

BTW, what are your ages?

[Rusha]

7. Falling in love with someone because the sex is great is more like falling in lust. Other factors might be love. In most married couples the sex falls back by tons as time goes on so if thats a big reason then reassess your own values here. Yes sex is important but it won't always be THAT great as time goes on as well.

8. Engaged for four months, together for how long?

9. You say you don't talk and when you try to, she pushes you away? What is the 'talking' about? Is it about the sex? If so, then most women would probably push you away anyway.

10. As for doing things for you (sexually) just to make you happy, go and get in the shower and ahve a toss mate. Because regardless of whether the relationship is fucked or not shes in some kind of pain and anguish right now. It isn't about making you feel better or getting you off. You are a big boy now so just get yourself off.

If i were you I would quit trying to get her to have sex. Shes not in that zone at the moment. This part of your life together is NOT about you. Sorry but use your hand (as ive said). Now you trying to get her to have sex has made her start using it to control you and thats bullshit. Bullshit for her to be doing that. Don't give her that control.

Everything ive read in your first post made me think that YOU need to grow up and back off and stop thinking with your dick. HOWEVER, your last para of main post made me see that shes just trying to control you with it now. Shes using it to gain a bit of power. So what id tell her is GROW UP.

Edit cause some of this sounds really harsh. Im just spewing out ideas really fast so apologies for the harshness/abruptness.

[Rusha]

Im also interested in your ages.

Further to sor's first comment. The problem with this is how she was interpretting those touches. Back before she got upset with you, if you tried to hug her how did she react? IF she interprets just affection as you wanting more (ie sex) then the two (sex and just touch) may as well be considered as the same thing. You don't have to answer that here but be honest with yourself. She might interpret your affection as something more.

And understandable you don't want to go over past issues with us but sometimes, past issues can be all encompassing.

I think she sounds really really immature and that she is having alot of trouble dealing with everything. Just the fact she'd spit that line that was something like 'well how woudl you feel if your father.....' reeks of immaturity to me. Masses of communication issues here.

Whatever you decide to do mate, don't get married for another couple of years. You have plenty of time.

[RazZ]

Oh sweet jesus... where to start.. this is sooooo not about sex.

Just remember every moment you spend with the wrong person, is time you could have been spending with the right one.

Emotional ties often allow us to tolerate some pretty appauling treatment that a clearer mind would not tolerate.
If your wondering what to think or how to deal with this..... you need to step back and be honest about everything.

Heres a mental exercise that helps find clarity in situations such as these.
If you imagine your on a tv stage, with an audience... and the details in absolute full disclosure have been laid out for all to hear on both sides of the situation

What would that audience be telling you to do? ...Leave? Stay? Run? Harden the funk up?

If you can objectively answer this... you have your own answer without the need for an outside voice.

[Pro H]

Im 28 she is 26 yep we are just pups.

She did mention that a while ago that when i start touching her she thinks its cause i want something ie sex which isnt true im a very physical person not just sexually but touching holding hugging. So know i have stopped touching her and holding her but as i said i like that and when i do she thinks i want it to lead to somewhere else.... whatever i do seems to be wrong give her space dont give her space touch her dont touch her maybe she has bipolar(spelling).

[take2]

fwiw; this is not the forum for this discussion.

[Rusha]

Yeah agree. This isnt about sex (as a few have said). But i have concerns that you have such a big focus on it at a time like that.

Just pulling something out of the wall of text i posted. Remember we are only going on what you have posted here. We can give opinions based on that and only that. You and she are the ones who truly know what the deal is.

[RazZ]

As a side note... If you think the relationship is over... dont let it turn nasty especially if you have a history of anything at all she can use against you.
Her inside knowledge on certain issues will bite you in the ass.

[take2]

Im 28 she is 26 yep we are just pups.

She did mention that a while ago that when i start touching her she thinks its cause i want something ie sex which isnt true im a very physical person not just sexually but touching holding hugging. So know i have stopped touching her and holding her but as i said i like that and when i do she thinks i want it to lead to somewhere else.... whatever i do seems to be wrong give her space dont give her space touch her dont touch her maybe she has bipolar(spelling).

Has she had any type of counselling, therapy, shrinks? If not, then whole discussion is moot at best.

[Rusha]

If you feel that its over then yes, just walk away nicely.

Im 28 she is 26 yep we are just pups.

She did mention that a while ago that when i start touching her she thinks its cause i want something ie sex which isnt true im a very physical person not just sexually but touching holding hugging. So know i have stopped touching her and holding her but as i said i like that and when i do she thinks i want it to lead to somewhere else.... whatever i do seems to be wrong give her space dont give her space touch her dont touch her maybe she has bipolar(spelling).

Its common. And you say it isn't true but perhaps thats just your perception vs her perception/experience. I don't know that now is the time for it but Ive advised people (mostly young men) to do all that i said in my first para of first post but make sure they let the woman know it isnt about sex and they don't want it. And then follow through with that by having a great night and NOT asking for sex.

T2 this forum IS the place for it if Pro needs some support advice as long as he realises that we are not experts and can only see one side of the story.

Oh and thats not bipolar. Thats just you being devil if you do, devil if you don't. For whatever reason.

good luck mate. Remember, its easy for us to look in at your story and give our opinion. Much harder when involved directly. What do you WANT to do? And what is your heart/brain telling you to do? What is your gut feeling?

[raaqi]

She told you she only said yes to your proposal so she could get married before her father died.

This is a huge becon shining into the sky telling you that her heart isn't in it. Why would you want to be with someone who probably doesn't love you?

Instead of ONE person being emotionally fucked up, she is dragging you with her. Now there's two. You need to know you should not feel guilty about wanting sex, or wanting a good relationship with your partner.

It is not YOUR job to fix her emotional issues. She has had time to work through some of her issues, she could have invited you for counselling. She doesn't seem appreciative of your efforts.

I know alot of women will say "just be with her at her time of need", but you need to know that you should not feel TRAPPED by her emotional problems. Lots of men and women get stuck in relationships because of suicidal partners threatening to suicide if they leave. I know this isn't like that, but look at the big picture. You aren't happy, she isn't happy, it's not a relationship, it's not love, it's not warmth.

So why stay? I would leave, give her time to heal, tell her you are there for her, be there for her as a friend. When she heals, then possibly you can get back together.

I personally don't feel like she was strong to begin with, it's not her fault he was in the accident, she couldn't prevent it. As you said, she has alot of issues that stem from childhood.

I also think she's really selfish, just because she has some issues doesn't mean she can treat you like that. I don't mean sex either, i mean, pushing you away, not talking with you. The same would go for a man who pushes away his girl because he is going through problems... it doesn't cut it for me.

Rusha - I personally don't agree that any woman who doesn't want sex would/should refuse to discuss the topic. Sex isn't only about having an orgasm, it's intimacy, an expression of love, brings people closer, removes barriers... makes it easier for couples to talk...

Couples should be able to talk about anything with their partners with open minds.

[take2]

T2 this forum IS the place for it if Pro needs some support advice as long as he realises that we are not experts and can only see one side of the story.

Not against the notion of support, but when the early responses are all about "walking away", that's hardly the sort of support he needs.

This is a monumentally complicated and emotionally charged problem; this girl has gone through a tremendous shock. How the hell can any of us know what's a good plan for him/her/them? We can't possibly, and with respect, we shouldn't try.

There are some critical issues here that Pro and his fiance need to deal with if they have any hope of a lasting relationship. I'm not at all convinced that this place, as paved with good intentions as it may well be, is the place to deal with any of them, even if it's based on the notion of "support".

Just my 2c